The Disadvantages of Denial in Life and Relationships

Denial has its moments. There are times when it is used appropriately as an ego defense mechanism to lessen the anxiety associated with a dreaded thought. If facing the truth about ourselves, someone else or a situation is too scary and overwhelming, by unconsciously going into a denial mode, our anxiety is dramatically reduced.

The only problem is we don’t resolve anything in the process. We don’t learn anything. We don’t grow. We don’t get better at dealing with the fear and the dread because we didn’t deal with it. We didn’t face it. And we still can’t face it. Consequently, although denial reduces our anxiety, it doesn’t solve anything. It just postpones the inevitable.

If we’re in denial about being an alcoholic, eventually we will hit bottom and acknowledge our best thinking got us there, and we’ll start the recovery process. As long as we stay in denial, we postpone our recovery.

In terms of our physical health: Let’s say there’s a lump. There’s a bump. We don’t want to think about the possibility of having cancer and being dead, so we deny that it’s a problem. “It’ll go away,” we tell ourselves. “It’s probably nothing. Forget about it.”

And that’s what we do. We forget about it. We feel less fearful. We feel less threatened. Life seems safer and more secure. Denial has worked wonders here.

However, although our denial reduces our anxiety and dread, it doesn’t change the truth, which is that there is the possibility of cancer that could possibly be terminal, and this needs to be evaluated and dealt with, regardless of how scary that feels.

As long as we stay in denial, we postpone getting the evaluation. If we postpone the evaluation for a sufficient period of time it may render treatment ineffective. We may die. That being the case, it is wiser to avoid denial and process our anxiety and fears while seeking the necessary help from our health care providers.

If we’re in denial about our significant other relationship, this can cost us the relationship. If, during our fighting with our significant other, we are repeatedly accused of something and we deny it, while blaming our partner for the problems in the relationship rather than ourselves, we run the risk of one day seeking to repair the relationship after it’s too late.

Like the tumor that grows into a metastasizing terminal cancer, problems in a relationship can grow into deep resentments, rage, loss of love and the end of the relationship if we stay in denial too long and postpone learning how to effectively communicate and repair the relationship.

Denial makes us feel safer and secure. But it’s a false sense of security. There is no safety in fooling ourselves into thinking there is no danger. Our ultimate safety and security lies in our willingness to look at the truth about ourselves and others without blinders, on so that we can most effectively deal with the issues and ultimately prevail.

There is no prevailing in denial. If we deny the handwriting on the wall, if we deny the warning signs and red flags all around us in our politics, our work, our religion and our relationships, we are simply sabotaging ourselves and setting ourselves up for failure.

If we dare to look the truth in the eyes despite how uncomfortable that may be, and if we dare to look at others and ourselves honestly, free of our biases and projections, we accelerate the process of change and growth, and we maximize our potential for happiness and success in all endeavors.

Staying Focused on Success

I was in the yard reading the newspaper. Gracie, my one year old puppy, was digging a hole. But she wasn’t just digging a hole. She had a purpose. She was on a mission. There was something buried deep under the dirt where she was digging. Some treasure was under there and she was going to find it come hell or high water.

It was incredible. Her focus on the task of digging was laser-like. She was intent, intense, totally goal-directed and undistracted by anything else going on around her. With that sort of attitude, how could she not end up getting the gold?

Here’s how: Gracie got wind of another dog walking down the street past our house. Instantly, Gracie was on red alert! Her territorial mode kicked in. Her aggression kicked in. She was letting the other dog know she meant business. Stay away from our property.

Needless to say, in the blink of an eye, Gracie’s adventure in digging was history. Instantly, she went into her primal, instinctual survival mode, giving up her mission to make an angry, territorial statement to another dog who couldn’t care less about territory, boundaries, or warning shots across the bow.

Gracie got derailed from her mission for no good reason. That dog was not a threat. Had the dog adopted an aggressive posture that would have been another story, but that’s not what happened here.

Observation #1: Gracie seemed a lot more content when she was on her mission, digging her hole. Now she’s barking, huffing and puffing, on total dog alert attending to her senses, doesn’t seem to be having fun, doesn’t seem to be content.

Observation #2: Several minutes have passed. The other dog got the message. The dog is long gone. But Gracie’s still in alert mode, little huffs and puffs peppered here and there.

Point being: long after the threat has passed, Gracie is still attending to that experience, that reality that is now history, and she has totally forgotten and abandoned her mission to dig that hole and find that deliciously buried bone.

Even when I brought her over to the hole to point out to her that her mission was still there, wonderfully waiting for her renewed participation and vigor, her mind was still in the aggressive, territorial mode. And she never did get back to digging the hole.

The analogy for people who have chosen a path, a mission, a goal of any sort: As we dig for our buried treasure, we stay focused on the goal. We stay attentive to the mission. We don’t allow ourselves to be distracted and derailed by our ego’s dramas.

If there appears to be a threat of some sort, we stop what we’re doing and we look at it. We evaluate it. We assess the data and determine if the threat is real. If so, we take appropriate action.

When the threat has passed, we do not linger. We do not keep our mind, our heart, our attention on the event that has passed. Regardless of the adrenalin still pumping, we shift our attention back to our mission, our task, our purpose, our goal.

We don’t need our radar up once the threat has passed. We don’t need to spend time ruminating over all the what-ifs we can imagine from the experience. We don’t need to talk about it, we don’t need to dwell on it at all. We need to get back to business.

If we are initially distracted by what we think might be a threat which, upon observation, clearly proves not to be, and we do not immediately return to task, but rather allow the distraction to absorb our attention and energy, we can be sure that the ego has stepped in to sabotage our success, and that it has succeeded.

We can’t let that happen. As soon as we are aware that we have been side-tracked, we get back on our path. We keep our eyes on the ball. We stay vigilant because we are certain that the ego will not stop, that it will attempt other ways to distract us, to draw us into meaningless communications and behaviors that may seem relevant and necessary to attend to but aren’t.

We stick to task. We ignore the ego’s petty distractions, resentments and aggressions. We disengage from all pointless ego battles. We want none of it.

The more fervently and single-mindedly we dig for our buried treasure, while paying appropriate attention to what is necessary for our survival, well-being, and happiness, the resistance from the world we will encounter is likely to be less,and the cooperation, support and progress we will experience is likely to be a great deal more.

Success: What’s Hope Got To Do With It?

If we are hopeless, we have decided there are no solutions, no resolutions, no possibilities, there is only one absolutely certain outcome and nothing else, and it’s not a good one, case closed.

That negative, fatalistic attitude shuts down the subconscious mind’s factory of reality-altering possibilities. There is just no way our subconscious mind will construct solutions of any kind, or even the seeds of solutions, if we have convinced it with hopelessness that there is no point in going down that road.

However, if we are hopeful, despite how terribly bleak our options might seem to be, it means we have left open the possibility of some form of rescue, some form of circumstance that can’t now be anticipated but could possibly happen, that could solve the problem, enable us to catch our breath, whatever the situation might be.

It is this attitude that gives our subconscious mind permission to entertain all possibilities, to “keep an open mind.” As a consequence, we become more aware of intuitive processes.

Putting it another way: Hope gives the mind permission to let go of fear, limitations, boundaries and logic, to think outside of the box so that it can tap into the collective unconscious, a fountain of ideas, and be receptive to them, despite how impractical they might at first glance appear.

Hope can set us on the right path, but it’s up to us to put one foot in front of the other.  Hope can inspire infinite possibilities, different roads to take that might never have occurred to us had we resigned ourselves to hopelessness and failure, but it is up to us to stay calm and pay close attention so that we can take ourselves down the best and brightest road possible.

To conclude: Hope isn’t foolish, unrealistic or impractical. It’s not magical thinking. On the contrary, hope is inspiring, catalyzing, activating, motivating, and generating. Hope is a powerful creative, transformative force, particularly when we free our mind of fear, that has the capacity to help us manifest life-altering physical solutions to seemingly insolvable problems.

Hope makes things happen. Keep hope alive. Keep the dream alive.

If We Have Free Will and We Use It To Put Our Mind in a Box, Are We Free?

We have free will and we use it to terrorize and restrain ourselves. We attack our Spirit and our Truth when we embrace the collective lies and illusions of the ego, and allow them to control our actions.

We are not our ego. The ego is a thought in our mind that we have given authority to. The ego, our inner tyrant, who we created and have elevated to the status of supreme advisor, actually knows nothing.

Motivated by irrational fear, it perceives the world darkly, perpetually feels threatened, and, consequently, offers advice to us that cannot be trusted. Best we not put our faith in ego. Best we withdraw our identification with our ego.

Best we quiet its voice of eternal fear and rage by giving it no power, by using our free will to choose other thoughts about who we are and how the world works, healthier and wiser thoughts of love and acceptance to guide us, protect us and enrich us.

We repeatedly remind ourselves that we imprison ourselves by the thoughts we choose to embrace and nurture, and we enslave ourselves by delegating our critical thinking to others.

And so we withdraw our investment in lies, indoctrinated slogans and propaganda, all designed to limit and control our thoughts and actions, not liberate and expand them.

We remove our ego as our trusted advisor, having all the evidence we need that it has not served us well and never will.

We ignore or look past everything that could be perceived as an obstacle, listening only to nature’s guidance in the form of clues all around us that act as signposts, and intuitions that spring up from within us.

Rules of Disengagement in Relationships

When we are in a disagreement and our partner is not listening, we disengage. If our partner is yelling, we disengage. If our partner is interrupting, we disengage. If our partner is blaming, attacking, or calling names, we disengage. If our partner is bringing up the past, in order to beat us up with more guilt and shame, we disengage.

If we are the one who is not listening, who is yelling, interrupting, blaming, attacking, calling names and bringing up the past, the same rule applies. We disengage because those techniques are not effective forms of communication for the purpose of healing relationships, and will sabotage any legitimate agenda we have.

The point is: If we want to repair a wounded relationship, beating up our partner by repeatedly expressing our hurt feelings, our anger and our resentments is not the way to do it. Invalidating our partner’s feelings and ignoring their legitimate concerns will prove to be equally ineffective.

If the ultimate goal of communication is reconciliation and forgiveness, then the sooner we stop all behaviors that are about shaming, guilting, and punishing the other person, the sooner we will be able to forgive them and work on the issues that need to be addressed.

If our partner tries to distract us by focusing on semantics and irrelevant sidebars, we acknowledge that this is a smokescreen, one of many devices to distract us and shift our attention from the real issue being raised, and we disengage from the discussion until another time when our partner may be more receptive to constructive dialogue.

We’ll never repair a damaged relationship if we don’t change the dysfunctional dynamics of our communication which is why when our partner uses techniques of defensiveness and aggression that have contributed to the problem in the past, we don’t go down that road. We don’t argue on their playing field. We don’t debate their agenda. We disengage, reinforcing the message that abusive behaviors used in the past will not be tolerated.

Our disengagment strategy must be consistent in order to teach our partner that the only way communication is going to happen is if it is positive, supportive, and nurturing rather than invalidating, angry and shaming, and that by repairing communication in this way we open the door for effectively repairing the relationship.

One final note:  When relationships go sour after a “straw that breaks the camel’s back,” it is usually this final incident that is focused on, with one person being portrayed as the villain or betrayer, so to speak, and the other person being portrayed as the innocent victim.

This is a common mistake that interferes with communication and repair. Although an incident may have catalyzed the breakdown of a relationship, it is most likely that the relationship was seriously failing long before the incident, and that those factors contributing to its failure, which usually involve both parties, are what need to be looked at.

Relationships don’t usually break down because of one person. In most cases, both people are doing things to each other that fuel the resentments, the volatility and the emotional distancing, in which case both people need to acknowledge their part in the relationship failing and take responsibility for repairing it by getting their own house in order.

To Obama or Not To Obama, That is the Question!

Whether we like Obama or not, it seems short-sighted to oppose his efforts, regardless of whatever party we are affiliated with, because if we oppose and reject his changes, we will be left with the very same people, both democrats and republicans, whose best thinking and policies got us into this incredibly toxic abyss in the first place.

We cannot be afraid of change, regardless of how scary it may be or seem to be, because if the alternative is staying with the same people and policies that crippled us, there is absolutely no hope of us achieving any sense of security on any level.

If we don’t like Obama, we cooperate and support his efforts because we live in a democracy and the democracy voted to make him our leader, and it’s now our job as Americans and patriots to accept and respect constitutional principles, regardless of where our personal preferences about Obama may lie.

As we cooperate and support his policies (which doesn’t suggest that censorship is being encouraged or that serious criticism is being discouraged), we look to other potential leaders who we feel might do better. Whether we are republicans or democrats, it behooves us not to look back (at the people who have prevailed for years on the political landscape and have deposited us on a desolate, barren shore) for future leadership and ideas but to look forward to new faces and different ideas.

Different isn’t necessarily bad. Perhaps we need to keep reminding ourselves of this when the fear of change screams at us in our head. Because, at this point, it seems we are in truly desperate need of different ideas and approaches. Different is necessary now. Different is critical now. Sticking to party loyalties, party opinions, party propaganda, or other allegiances that have failed us in the past is remarkably unwise and self-destructive.

The way our world has changed so dramatically in the last twenty years with the explosion of the Internet, cellphones, YouTube, Twitter, the beat isn’t just going on, it’s mind-bogglingly loud. Everything is a lot more complicated than it used to be. The “everything is black or white” mentality just doesn’t fly anymore.

There are so many people, so many special interests and perspectives. Our political parties have to be more flexible and accommodating if they are going to get anything done, which is the only way they are going to survive.

Perhaps the world is too complicated now for a rigid conservative agenda or a rigid liberal agenda. Perhaps each party needs an agenda that is more tolerant of diverse ideas.

Whether we like Obama or not, he is right in this respect: The political games, the petty accusations and attacks, the not so petty deceit and maliciousness, the power grabbing, all of it must stop. Both sides of the aisle. Can’t have the McCoys and the Hatfields fighting forever. Ain’t gonna work.

Nero was fiddling while Rome burned. Now Republicans and Democrats are bickering and twittering while America burns. They’re twittering for money and power so they can win future elections and acquire more money and power, and they never have to do anything to actually improve our human condition.

Unless we make them accountable by letting our voice be heard: We will not accept a return to the past that has failed us. And we will not stay the course with new leaders or new strategies that fail us and prove to be hollow versions of what was promised.

Random Notations

When I was shopping today, I observied that there are many people who walk around not smiling. I’m appreciating the power of our attitudes to enlighten and brighten us or subdue, demoralize, and sabotage us. I’m awestruck by the incredible, life-affirming, prosperity-affirming choice one makes simply by deciding to smile.

Any person who cannot admit when they are wrong is demonstrating a character weakness. In the realm of leadership and power, that weakness can be extremely lethal.

I’m appreciating the importance of celebrating our lives every day. Making every day a special occasion. Making every encounter a celebration of existence, communication, and connection.

The impulsive overreactions to unconscious primal fear thoughts of insecurity and abandonment generate tremendous drama in our lives. By putting the brakes on our stampede of emotions and taking the time to sort them out, we become stabilized and centered, receptive and open, focused and directed, all of which maximize our potential for success, whatever our objectives might be.

Exit Strategies at Work and in Relationships

For some of us experiencing depression, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, racing thoughts, irritability, back aches, headaches, heartburn, nausea, diarrhea, and any number of other symptoms, the underlying cause is not a chemical imbalance but the choices we make in our lives, in terms of the circumstances we tolerate and the perspectives we embrace.

If we are dissatisfied with our work environment or our relationships, but do nothing to change them and we don’t change our attitudes about them, then the conflicts we’re experiencing may be subconsciously converted into emotional and physical symptoms which can be extremely debilitating.

Oftentimes, when we don’t change the circumstances of our lives, they change us.

Being distracted and inattentive at work due to depression, anxiety and stress, whether caused by the work environment or other aspects of our lives, can lead to accidents, mistakes, and impulsive decisions, any of which may lead to injuries of self or others, getting demoted or fired, and other unpleasant life-changing events.

In terms of relationships, as depression, anxiety and resentments build, they also provide the opportunity for accidents, impulsive decisions, aggressive actions and passive-aggressive behaviors as well, all of which compound our problems.

The point is, sometimes exit strategies are necessary. Sometimes it’s best to organize and implement an exit strategy while staying within the confines of the difficult conditions, so that we can leave on our own terms, with the least amount of downside and collateral damage.

When this is the case, we avoid doing anything impulsive, we plan the necessary steps to extricate ourselves, we anticipate what obstacles and risks are involved, we pay attention, we seek wise counsel, and then we set the plan into play.

Whenever we activate exit strategies to improve our well-being, they tend to work. Depression, anxiety, aches and pains are much less likely to debilitate us, assuming they don’t go away entirely, when we become proactive with the dissatisfying elements in our lives.

Who Is Killing Health Care Reform and What’s This Got To Do With Happiness, Well-Being and Material Success?

We, the people, are killing health care reform by being unwilling or unable to step up to the plate of truth. The private insurance companies are doing far worse than anything our government could do to victimize us and suppress our right to quality, affordable health care.

They are presently dictating to doctors how they will treat their patients, what procedures will be approved or denied, and what medications will be prescribed or withheld. They are already operating “death panels,” declining insurance when it becomes too expensive for them to keep people alive.

Whether we have health care insurance we’re happy with or not, there needs to be a public option because right now what appears to be the free market system, what appears to be capitalism, competition and choice is really a monopoly, or (more strongly put) a form of fascism. To be sure, we are victims of health insurance dictators who don’t listen to the voice of fairness or justice. They only listen to their financial bottom line.

This has to stop. If we choose to continue to support this corrupt system, we are doomed to generate much greater problems medically, emotionally and financially in the years to come.

Now our politicians are discussing the plan of a public option later, down the road, when things get worse. This appears to be the same strategy that was used to deal with our failing economy: “Let’s wait until there’s massive devastation across the board before we decide to do something about it.”

This didn’t work for our economy. It’s not going to work for our health care system. And the same can be said for the personal problems in our lives.

When we only start to watch our cholesterol after our third heart attack, there are limits to what we can accomplish. When we start to work on a plan for prosperity after we’ve lost our job and our savings, and are overloaded with debt, we’re making a normally difficult process next to impossible. When we start to improve our communication with our partner after divorce has been threatened, we are usually past the point of recovery and repair.

Why should we wait for catastrophic conditions before doing that which we know we must do? The time to make substantial changes is before, not after, we have crippled ourselves, our careers and/or our relationships.

The point is: When we recognize that things need to change, we need to change them. Now, not later. Which means we don’t just give lip service to change. We take action.

We don’t say we’re going to diet and exercise, and then never get around to doing it. We don’t insist we are going to work towards success and prosperity but then continue to follow the same protocols that have failed us in the past. We don’t promise to be more loving and considerate in our relationships and then continue to abuse, act out and behave in other ways that defeat those promises.

If we say we want to change, we need to mean it. We need to be highly motivated and never lose sight of those motivating forces. We must clearly see the benefits of changing and clearly see the disadvantages of keeping things as they are.

We must appreciate that there is a powerful force inside of us that is focused on self-sabotage, resistance and failure, which we must vigorously oppose, challenge and defeat, one day at a time, one decision at a time, if we are to overcome our internal drive to maintain the status quo.

We must not let people derail us with their negativity and cynicism. We must not let other people convince us that we’re not the problem. We must let down our defenses, release our resistant, oppositional tendencies. We must identify self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, stop them, and replace them with proactive attitudes and actions that will get us where we want to go.

Every day and in every way, we keep at it. We keep on trucking. If we fall down, we get up, brush ourselves off and begin again, never taking our eyes off the ball, and never veering off our path. As Jimmy Cliff once wrote: “You can get it if you really want. But you must try, try and try. Try and Try. You’ll succeed at last.”