Who Killed Michael Jackson?

Apparently the case is being made that Michael Jackson was murdered with a lethal dose of a medication administered by his doctor. Even if the doctor is indicted and found guilty of murdering Michael Jackson, in my opinion Michael Jackson was a willing accomplice in his own murder, and (to a lesser degree) so were his family members and close friends.

Michael Jackson deserves to take some responsibility for his own death insofar as he knew what he was doing when he sought out doctors who prescribed a variety of drugs in very large quantities, and he knew the lethal risks involved when he took those drugs.

The same can be said for his family members and close friends: they knew what he was doing, they knew the risks he was taking, and they knew he was on a collision course with death and tragedy. And yet no one intervened, most likely due to the fear that if they did they would incur his wrath and be cast out of his inner circle.

One might rebut that there was nothing his family or friends could do, even if they wanted to, because of his money, power and influence, but that’s simply not true. Any one of them could have contacted the authorities and made the case that, because of all the lethal drugs he was consuming, he was a danger to himself, which is the criteria for someone being placed on a 72-hour hold against their will in a psychiatric facility.

Had anyone done this, it is entirely possible he would have been held in such a facility and that treatment would have been initiated that might have saved his life.

Sadly, when most of us are confronted with similar issues in our own lives and relationships, we do the very same thing that Michael Jackson’s friends and family did: nothing definitive.

Fearing rejection and abandonment if we force our loved ones into life-saving scenarios they are not interested in due to their self-destructiveness, most of us choose not to do it. This is a mistake.

Just as, when we love someone we need to let them be who they are even if that might lead them to leave us, when we love someone and see them destroying themselves, it is our responsibility to do whatever is necessary to intervene and save their life, even if it means they might resent us and sever the relationship.

Bottom line: We must look at the relationships in our lives and if we recognize loved ones going down paths of self-destruction, we must use all our powers, despite our own fears of potential rejection and abandonment, to help them get on a better path, one that will heal them and help them extend rather than terminate their lives.

Dealing with the Truth in Health Care Reform and Relationships

It appears to me that some opponents of President Obama and/or his health care plan have argued vehemently and viciously against the plan using reasons that are based on misrepresentations and not facts. This leads me to believe that their opposition has nothing to do with the complaints they’re making, and that there is a hidden agenda.

Rather than argue and debate the misrepresentations, which are ultimately non-issues, it would behoove us to stop wasting our time and direct our attention at exposing and confronting the hidden agenda, the real issues that are driving the opposition.

The same is true in personal relationships: When we are in a disagreement with our significant other over issues being directed at us that make no sense, and no amount of logical, reasonable discourse is having any impact, the odds are there is another agenda, a hidden one.

If we don’t discover this other agenda, the real reasons why our significant other is upset with us, we waste our time arguing, resentments build up, and there is never any adequate communication, validation or repair.

So what might the hidden agendas be?

(1) Our significant other may be upset over something else entirely that has nothing to do with us, and we are simply the recipients of their displaced anxieties and aggressions;

(2) Our significant other may be upset over something that we did in the past. Having not processed a prior hurt, stored up resentments express themselves in inappropriate ways;

(3) Our significant other may be upset over other issues that are generating anxiety and conflict in the relationship, but is unwilling to address them, most likely due to fear of what our reaction might be.

In summary, when things don’t make sense in our relationships, it is advisable to assume there is another agenda and to work at uncovering what it might be, so that core problems can be sufficiently addressed and hopefully resolved for the greatest good of all concerned.

Why Stay in Bad Relationships?

A great many people are in relationships that are unsatisfying. Anger, grievances, resentments, pettiness, and passive-aggressiveness prevail. Highly judgmental, critical, personal attacks are commonplace. Insulting, selfish, unloving behaviors are the norm.

Despite these relationships being ugly, hurtful and abusive, we stay in them. We tolerate the abuser. We have a litany of excuses and rationalizations to defend our decision to stay. But the real reason we stay in bad, abusive, unloving relationships is fear, which stems from our insecurity and low self-esteem.

We don’t have faith in our capacity to survive and prevail on our own. We are afraid that if we leave the relationship, our efforts to find someone healthy, loving, nurturing and supportive will fail and we will end up alone, lonely and depressed, despite the fact that, although we may have a warm body sleeping beside us, we are already alone, lonely and depressed.

So what do we do?

(1) First, we try to repair the relationship. If this is going to happen, we must be assertive and firm in communicating those behaviors which are acceptable and those which are not. We must establish boundaries and make it clear that if these boundaries are not respected, we will go away.

We must take this position because if we don’t make it clear that not changing is a deal-breaker, we won’t be taken seriously and the change won’t happen. Our only hope for changing the relationship lies with our partner realizing that he or she must change in order for the relationship to endure.

We must not back down from this position. We must be willing to leave the relationship if, over a reasonable period of time, it is obvious that our partner is either unwilling or unable to change and become more loving.

(2) If, indeed, we can’t heal and transform the relationship along the lines we desire, it probably is in our best interests to move on, regardless of all the fear-generated “what ifs” warning us against doing so.

In that case, we remind ourselves that we deserve to be loved and that this isn’t going to happen if we tolerate bullies and abusers. We reinforce our faith in our capacity to deal with and navigate the unknown. We congratulate ourselves for respecting ourselves, loving ourselves, taking care of ourselves, and giving ourselves the opportunity to find real love and joy in our lifetime.

Would You Rather Be Right or Happy?

There’s a popular expression that is frequently addressed in couples therapy: “Would you rather be right or happy?” Here’s how it works:

Our partner says something we disagree with, whether it be an observation about us, a recollection of something we said or did, or a perspective about the world and its workings.

Rather than let it go or agree to disagree, we oftentimes tend to get caught up in our ego and its need, not just to be right but to have our partner acknowledge that we are right.

And so we make an issue out of who’s right and who’s wrong. We make a mountain out of a molehill. We not only insist on correcting our partner, we insist on nothing less than total capitulation to our point of view.

We continue to get in their face and we refuse to give in because we know we’re right and we’re not going to give them the satisfaction of thinking they’re right and we’re wrong.

We stay at it, we stay adamant, we stay angry and aggressive in making our point, even when it leads to an escalation of negative emotions and very bad feelings about the relationship, which is usually the case.

Oftentimes, nothing is resolved, our partner chooses to remain oppositional to our point of view, and everybody is miserable.

Oftentimes, even in those scenarios where we get our partner to capitulate, to admit their error and our correctness, we still aren’t happy because all the effort it took to get the acknowledgment has generated a tremendous amount of ill will and negative energy.

We got our “You’re right” but at the expense of our happiness and at the expense of the relationship which suffers in the process.

On the other hand, if we decide it isn’t important that we insist we’re right and that we’re okay with them thinking whatever they want to think, then we don’t need to exert any effort to prove or insist upon anything.  In which case, we have kept the peace and everybody’s happy.

Like most rules, this one has an exception. There are times when the issue we’re discussing is too big, where it’s not about pride or ego, where it really does matter that everybody be on the same page, and where it really is necessary that we clarify who’s right and who’s wrong.

When disagreements along these lines seem to appear, “Choose your battles” becomes the operative concern.

It behooves us to choose our battles in these scenarios, to overlook as much as possible in our partners, to release the need to be critical and correct them, and to not sweat the small stuff as much as possible as well.

But when the issue really matters, we must take a stand, we must speak up and hold our ground because if we don’t, happiness in the relationship will surely not prevail.

There is one other scenario in which happiness will not prevail and that is when we have decided to take the high ground position of “I’d rather be happy than insist I’m right,” but then resent having done so.

This is another example of our ego getting in our way: Despite initially being successful at putting our ego aside in order to do what’s best for the relationship, we allow our ego to  jump back into the game.

When this happens, we must remind ourselves that our ego is not our friend, we don’t need its help and we don’t want it involved.  And then we let go of the resentment, grateful that we have a relationship that may not be perfect but is nurturing, loving and sustainable.

If we decide we’d rather be happy than insist on people seeing things our way, and we choose our battles such that we very rarely need to insist on anybody seeing anything our way, we will have happier and healthier relationships, there will be more frequent quality time in our relationships, and we will be happier in general because our head won’t be filled with pointless score-keeping and resentments.