Limit-Setting and Boundaries in Relationships

When others set limits with us, making it clear what they are willing or unwilling to do or accept in a relationship, it behooves us, whether we like those limits or not, to accept them, abide by them, and respect them.

When we don’t respect another person’s boundaries, when our control issues (“I want what I want and I want it now!”) move us to disregard the boundaries established by others, we shouldn’t wonder why the end result is resentment, anger and distrust.

Even if we believe our intentions and motives are good when we refuse to accept other people’s boundaries, we are, nonetheless, invading their space and not taking no for an answer, all of which adds up to our being inappropriate, intrusive, and abusive.

When we don’t accept “No means no,” it is because of our need to control the situation and manipulate circumstances to get what we want. When we don’t accept, “No means no,” we’re just just being selfish, preoccupied with getting our own needs met regardless of the needs of the one setting the boundaries.

When we deny our manipulations and boundary-breaking behaviors or rationalize them with “the ends justify the means” rhetoric, in an attempt to get our way and paint ourselves in a good light, we may get what we think we want in the short-run, but in the long-run,  the end result is likely to be something we don’t want: a failed relationship which is damaged past the point of repair.

If we wish others to cooperate with us, to synergize their efforts and energies with ours, to maximize the power of unity and purpose, we need to respect boundaries. When we do so, people are more likely to be willing to dialogue and mediate the issues, in order to possibly come up with compromising solutions that all parties can be comfortable with.

However, if debate and dialogue are not welcomed, it behooves us to accept this. If we can’t accept this, perhaps we should disengage from the relationship rather than engaging in behaviors that will subvert it and diminish ourselves in the process.

Ultimately, it all comes back to the Golden Rule:  treating others as we wish to be treated. If we want our boundaries to be respected by others, we need to respect the boundaries of others. If we want to be able to trust others, we need to demonstrate to others that we can be trusted.

Truth & Self-Disclosure in Relationships

The current love-hate President Obama debate is focused on the issue of national security. It appears that many people are maintaining the position that by acknowledging the truth, by self-disclosing the Bush Administration’s torture practices, President Obama has jeopardized our national security and our future safety.

It is a sad day, indeed, when telling the truth is discouraged and demeaned, and when the messenger is vilified, although this is nothing new. We have been crucifying and shooting our messengers since the beginning of time. Jesus Christ, Mohatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and John Lennon come to mind. All of them truth-seekers and truth-speakers, willing to risk their lives so that others might learn a better way and become part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

It is fear that makes people embrace lies and cover-ups. They don’t have faith in the power of truth and compassion to move mountains. And so they put their faith in the power of aggression and abusive, deceitful practices.

It is short-sighted to think that lying, cheating and other unethical acts are ever in anybody’s best interests. It is a false sense of security that people end up with when they perceive that the potential ends they desire justify illegal and immoral means.

That being said, what about personal relationships? Is truth and self-disclosure a mistake, a weakness that jeopardizes one’s long-term emotional and relationship security? It may seem that way, but the answer is a resounding no.

Truth and self-disclosure are acts of strength and courage that build our self-esteem, maintain our integrity, and generate a sense of dependability, reliability and safety in the minds of others we transact with.

In the short-run, it may feel safe, expedient and wise to present a false face to others.  It may seem prudent to maintain a facade in our relationships, believing that will protect us from getting hurt and feeling humiliated and shamed. It isn’t.

It’s a mistake to disguise our motives and intents, to manipulate others’ perceptions and emotions for our own personal gain. The sense of protection and safety we may feel now while we’re engaged in such behaviors will, in the long-run, gain us nothing except the loss of our soul, a “commodity” most people don’t put much value on. But that’s a mistake as well.

In the long run, when we choose against truth and self-disclosure, and advocate misrepresentation and misdirection, we hurt our credibility, we prove we can’t be trusted, and eventually it becomes clear that the house we built and live in is sitting on a defective foundation which will ultimately crumble and fail us as time goes by.

Heal The Mind, Heal The Body, Heal The Planet

Most people acknowledge that the mind has great, untapped power, but still the prevailing mood regarding illness is that when people get sick our mind has very little to do with it, that we don’t think ourselves into illness and we can’t think ourselves out of it.

But what if this basic premise isn’t correct? What if we’re looking under the wrong bushel basket for the cures to our earthly ills?

What if the mind is the foremost place to look? What if the mind is the place where all illness starts? What if deeply-embedded thoughts in our unconscious mind are the stimulus, and the body generating diseases is the response? The mind gets sick, the body follows suit.

What if to truly get well we must change our mind? What if to truly get well we must change our conception of reality?

What would that entail? What would we change our mind to? In what way would we need to change our conception of reality?

We would have to appreciate that although reality looks like there are billions of individual bodies on the planet, the truth is that there is only One of us, and we are all a part of it, like a drop of water is part of the ocean.

We would have to appreciate that, despite appearances, we are not bodies, that we are Mind, One Mind, generating a collective illusion that we are separate beings.

We are not separate beings. We are One. We are all each other. Consequently, when we attack any body, we are actually attacking the One Mind, which is another way of saying that when we attack others we are actually attacking ourselves.

If we were to accept this reality construct, then one way to heal ourselves is to stop attacking others, physically, verbally,  and mentally (with our judgments and resentments), and to extend unconditional compassion, acceptance and forgiveness instead.

Unconditional is the operative concept here. If we do not extend compassion, acceptance and forgiveness unconditionally, we are essentially attempting to heal ourselves with half our Mind tied behind our back.

If we do extend compassion, acceptance and forgiveness unconditionally and consistently, then we will truly reap what we sow, with physical, emotional and spiritual wellness being the end result.

What if we apply this same concept to the planet in terms of it being our “collective body”? Our world is having a nervous breakdown. It’s burnt-out, crumbling, exhausted, drained, broken and diseased by the greed, corruption, selfishness, deceit, narrow-mindedness, cowardice and short-sightedness of humankind.

What the world needs now  is compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness, not just when it’s convenient, not just when other people are looking, and not just lip service.

Real, unconditional compassion, acceptance and forgiveness. The end of judgment. The  release of holier than thou attitudes that are hypocritical and cloud the Truth which is that we are all flawed, that we all have feet of clay.

If every person on the planet engaged consistently in unconditional compassion, acceptance and forgiveness for 22 days, the world would heal itself and we would see results that would shock and awe the staunchest of skeptics and critics.

Rebound Relationships

When the  economy rebounds, there will be more money again that we can borrow. And there will be more opportunities for us to spend beyond our means and make impulsive purchases.

In which case, it will behoove us to have established new ground rules regarding our spending, our saving, our investments, as well as all other choices that impact on our financial survival.

If we haven’t defined a clear strategy for future decision-making, we will certainly be headed for more turbulent times. The same can be said for relationships that begin shortly after painful break-ups.

When a relationship ends, leaving one with heartache, confusion, and feelings of abandonment and loneliness, and then shortly thereafter a new relationship begins, it is easy to be blinded by the attention, admiration and affection of someone new, such that we ignore the lessons of the past, we overlook the red flags, we discount those signs and clues that this new relationship is more “rebound” as opposed to “meant to be.”

We don’t look before we leap. We either repeat the same mistake by somehow attracting to us a personality type very similar to the last one that didn’t work out or we make a new mistake by attracting to us someone who will fit nicely into the shoes of a dysfunctional, co-dependent partner.

Unless we get clear in our minds, free of our ego, free of our fears, free of our negative, catastrophic thinking (these are the subconscious triggers for the self-destructive choices we make), and establish effective communication and clear boundaries with potential significant others who enter our sphere of influence, we will be doomed to eternal relationship hell.

If we pay attention, we need not be seduced into making bad decisions, and we can steer our destiny along the path of least resistance towards a safe and prosperous harbor.