Warning Signs at Fort Hood and in Relationships

A psychiatrist goes postal. I’m not surprised. As a psychiatrist and a keen observer of the descent of our society over the past 40 years or so, it is clear to me that all things are possible.

People are capable of acting out their conflicts and aggressions in all sorts of spectacularly outrageous and deeply disturbed ways, which demonstrate a severe lack of insight as well as mind-boggling self-destructiveness.

These days, anybody has the capacity to go postal at any time. We might as well get used to it and not be surprised by it, because being surprised could be hazardous to our health.

Not being surprised means being aware of what’s going on around us. The more attention we pay to potential red flags popping up, the better chances we have to react effectively.

With the psychiatrist who perpetrated the Fort Hood massacre, there were warning signs which, perhaps, were sufficiently downplayed or ignored such that he didn’t get the kind of help that might have enabled him to avoid the actions he took.

There are warning signs everywhere, particularly in our relationships, and we don’t see them because we’ve got blinders on and we’re into denial, or we see them and ignore them with a variety of rationalizations.

The bottom line is we don’t address them. The warning signs come and go, and before we know it the relationship has reached critical mass and is near total meltdown and all the kings horses and all the kings men are unlikely to put the relationship back together again.

By ignoring warning signs, the resentments and antagonisms build to the point of no return, and what might have been salvaged if both people were paying attention, goes away painfully.

Take-home message: Forewarned is forearmed.

We can repair relationships that are failing. By developing effective communication skills, we can mediate disagreements while validating each other, and without diminishing ourselves.

So look for the warning signs. Have the courage to address them and maintain a calm mind while doing so, so as to be most effectively heard.

When we pay attention to the warning signs, we are choosing to be proactive and not a victim. By doing so, we are increasing our potential to steer our relationships and our lives in the most positive directions.

Be Happy Now

Medication may make you less depressed but it won’t make you happier. It is a band-aid that covers wounds but never truly heals them.

There is no magic pill that will bring us happiness. But that doesn’t mean that the situation is hopeless. The truth is that we have the power to make ourselves happy regardless of what is going on in our lives.

Happiness is a choice. Symbolize it, if you wish, with the image of an electric switch. When the switch is turned on, we’re happy. When the switch is turned off, we’re unhappy. Therefore, the key to happiness is knowing how to flip the switch.

We flip the switch by choosing to see the love and the blessings in our world despite all the fear, pain and suffering that is apparent and oppressive.

We flip the switch by accepting that crying over spilled milk is a complete waste of time and energy that serves no positive purpose, in which case we might as well try to look on the bright side.

If we feel the pressure of people misunderstanding our reactions, we remind ourselves to be less concerned with appearances and more concerned with results.

If we are able to “happy” our way through a nightmare rather than embrace all the horror and suffering that the experience has to offer, who cares what other people think?

Bottom line:  A happy, positive attitude, regardless of how many storm clouds are in the sky, is a good way to go through life.

Now here’s the icing on the cake: A happy, positive attitude also increases our odds of healing, survival and success over someone else who allows his fear and negativity to rule his mind and emotions.

Take-home message: Happiness is an inside job. Choose it or lose it.

Obama Or Bust

I do my best to avoid discussing politics in my postings but it seems to me that relationships and self-improvement will be something of a moot point if our country goes down the tubes. So here we go:

Those opposing health care specifically and President Obama in general seem to be the same people who put our country in the toilet in the first place by allowing greed, self-interest and incompetence to reign supreme with no checks and balances.

These people are either inept or corrupt. So why do we keep supporting them?

They obviously don’t have our best interests at heart. If they did, they’d acknowledge that their errors contributed to the current problems. They’d acknowledge there is massive greed, corruption and waste.

They’d unload ideological distinctions that are pointless to cling to in times of national and global breakdown.

They’d try to find a way to put aside their differences right now and help Obama dig this country out of the catastrophic mess we’re in which won’t go away unless we are willing to try new ideas.

This isn’t about liking President Obama or not. This isn’t about Republican or Democrat. This isn’t about progressive or conservative. It’s about damage control and survival.

It’s about being a responsible, thinking human being on the planet. We can’t keep the status quo and expect things to get better. We can’t be reactionary in our choices, moving backwards won’t help.

We need to support our President. This shouldn’t be a novel idea. Especially since the alternative is to rely on those people who have clearly demonstrated an inability to lead and govern effectively.

Thoughts About God

Does God really pick and choose who lives and who dies? Is He “up there” somewhere with a huge tote board keeping score of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice? Does He really decide to give one person brain cancer, to have another person get hit by a bus, to have a third person get mauled by a lion or raped by a psychopath? Is that what God does?

Does God really listen to everyone’s prayers and decide which ones to act on and which ones to ignore?:  “Sorry, Mr. Franklin. I feel for you, but I’m not going to cure your prostate cancer because I’ve already met my prostate cancer prayer quota, you’ll need to exit stage left.” Is this what God is all about?

Does God really send some of his children to hell, to suffer for all eternity? As a father who has been upset at times with my daughter, it never once occurred to me, no matter how badly she behaved, that she should be punished and made to feel miserable forever. Could God be a Father that unmerciful and unloving?

None of these scenarios involving God make any sense to me, which leads me to believe that we have seriously distorted the truth of what God is. We have projected behaviors and judgments onto God from our ego mind, which is full of fear and attack thoughts, that have nothing whatsoever to do with Him.

God is not vengeful. God is not petty. God does not attack, punish, hurt or kill. God is unconditionally loving, forgiving, and accepting.

When we use the concept of God to attack other people, we are not honoring God, we are actually attacking him, because it is not His will that anyone suffer or be harmed. It is His will for us that we all be happy, prosperous and at peace. That is His will for each and every one of us, regardless of what country we belong to, what faith we follow or how well or poorly we behave.

When we use the Old Testament, which depicts an angry, jealous, vindictive and vengeful God, to base our understanding of God upon, we are defeating ourselves. God may work in mysterious ways but promoting an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth are not examples of that. Turning the other cheek and loving our enemies as we do our friends are.

When we engage in judgment, hatred and attack in God’s name, justifying our bad behavior by claiming we are doing God’s work, we are actually doing the opposite of God’s work, fueling our ego and our insanity, making a mockery of God and our lives.

God doesn’t need us doing his work. God doesn’t need us on his team to smite the evildoers. He is perfectly capable of doling out justice without our help if he so chooses.

Want to love God and want God to love you? Love your fellow man. Stop judging. Stop looking for reasons to hate and attack. Find the similarities rather than the differences between us and others so that we can overcome any differences and live in love and harmony as God would wish us to.

Looking For Miracles in All the Wrong Places

I was thinking about stories I’ve read over the years that have to do with people seeing the face of Jesus Christ and the Virgin Mary in inanimate objects. I remember one story involved a man seeing the face of Christ in a half-eaten, four-day-old bean burrito he left on the window sill.

Another story I recall had to do with a woman who claimed to see the Virgin Mary on a tree where sap dripped down the bark and created the impression of a face. There have been many stories like these over the years.

An impressive part of each story for me was the reactions of other people hearing the news. Many, after hearing of such a sighting, flocked in large numbers to see for themselves the miraculous and divine images.

To me, the gathering of large numbers of people to view the semblance of a face on a window pane or a bulging burrito speaks to a great sense of powerlessness. Feeling so small and helpless in a world of chaos, competition and aggression, we seek the miraculous, desperately hoping that it will bless us in some way and ease our suffering.

It occurs to me that perhaps there’s a better way to go about this. Perhaps, instead of looking for the face of Jesus Christ or the Virgin Mary in inanimate objects, we should be looking for the face of Jesus Christ or the Virgin Mary in the face of every person who crosses our path.

If we were able to do this, perhaps we’d be less likely to be judgmental, resentful and angry towards others, in which case our lives might work more effectively.

In addition to attempting to see God in the face of everyone we meet, it might also help us to recognize the presence of God in everything we look upon, not just the faces of people or inanimate objects deformed by nature.

If we were able to recognize the presence of God in everything all around us — in animals, plants, insects, and  objects — perhaps we’d treat them all with greater honor and respect, which would also likely lead to a life of greater harmony and balance.

Perhaps the miracle lies not in seeking God in odd and eccentric ways, but rather in seeking God in every moment and molecule all around us.

How Expectations Get In The Way of Problem Solving

Karla called me the other day and asked me to charge the  electric screwdriver because she was coming up later and we were going to do some work on the horse corrals.

I had no problem with her request. The problem was finding where I had stored the screwdriver. Over the years the tools seem to have collected themselves in a variety of places. Some tools were in the kitchen cupboard, some were in the tack room, some were in the shed, and some were in the garage.

I wasn’t feeling very optimistic because when looking for some other tool recently, I had scoured the different tool areas at that time, and I didn’t recall seeing the screwdriver’s carrying case anywhere. I didn’t think it had been stolen or thrown out, so I concluded that it was probably buried underneath something and it wasn’t going to be easy to find.

I began my tour of duty, sifting through the tools in each of the aforementioned areas. The screwdriver case was nowhere to be found. So then I went from room to room in the house looking for where it might be hidden. Still no success.

Imagine my pleasant surprise when I returned to the kitchen where I had started my quest and glanced down at Gracie’s water bowl, only to spot the screwdriver carrying case sitting on the floor beside it.

I was impressed with the irony that it had been in plain sight from the get-go when I first decided to look for it. I suspect it was invisible to me because of my expectation that it wasn’t in plain sight, that it was buried somewhere and that I was going to have to hunt for it.

Because I was sure it wasn’t in plain sight, because I expected it to be hidden from my view, I didn’t see it, and I sent myself on a wild goose chase in the process. When I let go of my expectations and stopped trying so hard to find it, there it was right in front of me.

It seems there is a lesson here for problem solving in general: Don’t make any assumptions about the problem’s solution because assumptions and expectations can direct us down narrow paths and dead ends that limit successful outcomes.

In a way, it’s about keeping an open mind, a mind flexible to all possibilities. This is particularly important in relationships. Oftentimes when we are having problems with our partner, we don’t address those problems with our partner. We assume that our partner is not going to hear us, he or she is not going to change, there’s no point in beating a dead horse, yada yada yada.

Point being: By assuming there is no solution, by placing limitations on the capacities of others and the universe to cooperate with us, we generate a self-fulfilling prophecy of not resolving problems and not getting what we want.

The world can surprise us and people can surprise us. But, in most cases, that’s not going to happen if we don’t take the necessary step to nurture those possibilities, which is simply to keep an open mind, to “do the footwork and get out of the results.” This means we don’t concern ourselves with what we expect might or might not happen when we take action, we simply take action because that’s what needs to be done.

Perhaps another lesson from my wild tool hunt is to simplify. Sometimes when we are seeking solutions to problems, we get caught up in the complexity and the detail such that we latch onto one perspective with a laser-like focus which can be equivalent to having tunnel vision and not seeing the whole picture.

Unfortunately, the solution to our problem may require seeing the whole picture, in which case it behooves us to step back from the microscopic and look at the macroscopic, to release our focus on detail and look for solutions that might be right in front of our face but have eluded us because of their simplicity which we didn’t anticipate.

Bottom line: Whether the problem is relationships, a business paradigm, writer’s block or what-have-you, the more we are able to think outside of the box and allow all possibilities regardless of how improbable they may seem to enter our awareness, the more likely we are to be surprised by a creative and perhaps relatively effortless solution.

Quarreling in Relationships: Much Ado About Nothing?

Many of the issues we argue about in relationships aren’t actually issues. They symbolize issues. They represent problems in the relationship and resentments that have built up over time.

Rather than address these core problems that disturb and disappoint us in our relationships, we tend to keep those thoughts submerged, and, instead, we express our resentments by finding faults and grievances with our partner wherever and whenever we can.

Rather than communicate our dissatisfaction with the relationship in an appropriate way, we are critical, unsympathetic and angry.

Our partner usually perceives this sort of behavior as an unwarranted and petty attack, and usually responds with defensiveness and anger, which just perpetuates the quarreling, resentments and misunderstandings.

Consequently, the only way to get beyond this sort of stalemate in the relationship’s growth is to appreciate that although what is being argued seems petty and irrelevant, it is actually a reflection of something seriously wrong with the relationship which needs to be looked at.

If we don’t look at it and continue to argue over petty grievances, there is no way the relationship will ever improve and be more satisfying.

As long as we are afraid to discuss in blunt terms our discontentment with our partner and the relationship, there will be no sustainable peace or joy.

If we can address those issues with our partner in a way that is calming and not blaming, empathetic and not invalidating, there is the possibility of repairing the relationship, restoring the trust, and living in harmony.

How Generous and Kind Do We Have To Be?

I was driving down Reseda Boulevard on my way home from work. I was stopped at a light. Two cars on a side street were waiting to merge into my lane. Wanting to be a nice guy, I waved at the driver of the first car, giving him the go-ahead to pull in front of me.

As he’s doing this, I’m thinking, “Okay, I did my social duty. I let one car in. Now it’s my turn. The next guy has to let the next person in. After all, fair is fair. The protocol for kindness in this circumstance, the agreed upon social convention is you let one car in and then you get to go. No harm, no foul.”

So, why was I feeling uncomfortable? Because I know that the path to my joy, my inner peace, and my prosperity is a path of generosity and compassion without judgment, evaluation, or conditions of any kind. I know that I have a choice now to be even kinder than I had just been, and that it’s really not in my best interests to resist that choice.

“Wouldn’t it be nice,” I told myself, “to just let the second car in also, right now, no fuss, no bother, will cost me a whole extra 5 seconds of my life, it would make things easier for the stranger in the other car, why not do it, what’s the big deal?”

I decided to let this second car into the lane in front of me. She smiled and thanked me, which felt really good, but that was the icing on the cake. I was feeling pretty good the moment I made the decision to put my ego away and just be kinder and more generous.

Certainly, there is no right or wrong in terms of how many cars we let into our lane. It’s not right or wrong to let no cars in. Legally, we have he right of way. The issue is, how do our decisions, our choices, make us feel about ourselves?

My decision to let the second car in made me feel great. I felt it represented progress in my releasing my ego’s resistance to being more caring, more sharing, more loving, more accepting and more forgiving. I felt it also represented progress in my role modeling behaviors reflecting greater courtesy and cooperation, which, if adopted by others, will strengthen the fabric of society.

Strengthening the fabric of society is nice but the main point is that by choosing to be kinder, more generous, more gracious and more respectful of others, above and beyond the standards we have set for ourselves, we will discover our world changing before our eyes, becoming more joyous and fragrant.

The Disadvantages of Denial in Life and Relationships

Denial has its moments. There are times when it is used appropriately as an ego defense mechanism to lessen the anxiety associated with a dreaded thought. If facing the truth about ourselves, someone else or a situation is too scary and overwhelming, by unconsciously going into a denial mode, our anxiety is dramatically reduced.

The only problem is we don’t resolve anything in the process. We don’t learn anything. We don’t grow. We don’t get better at dealing with the fear and the dread because we didn’t deal with it. We didn’t face it. And we still can’t face it. Consequently, although denial reduces our anxiety, it doesn’t solve anything. It just postpones the inevitable.

If we’re in denial about being an alcoholic, eventually we will hit bottom and acknowledge our best thinking got us there, and we’ll start the recovery process. As long as we stay in denial, we postpone our recovery.

In terms of our physical health: Let’s say there’s a lump. There’s a bump. We don’t want to think about the possibility of having cancer and being dead, so we deny that it’s a problem. “It’ll go away,” we tell ourselves. “It’s probably nothing. Forget about it.”

And that’s what we do. We forget about it. We feel less fearful. We feel less threatened. Life seems safer and more secure. Denial has worked wonders here.

However, although our denial reduces our anxiety and dread, it doesn’t change the truth, which is that there is the possibility of cancer that could possibly be terminal, and this needs to be evaluated and dealt with, regardless of how scary that feels.

As long as we stay in denial, we postpone getting the evaluation. If we postpone the evaluation for a sufficient period of time it may render treatment ineffective. We may die. That being the case, it is wiser to avoid denial and process our anxiety and fears while seeking the necessary help from our health care providers.

If we’re in denial about our significant other relationship, this can cost us the relationship. If, during our fighting with our significant other, we are repeatedly accused of something and we deny it, while blaming our partner for the problems in the relationship rather than ourselves, we run the risk of one day seeking to repair the relationship after it’s too late.

Like the tumor that grows into a metastasizing terminal cancer, problems in a relationship can grow into deep resentments, rage, loss of love and the end of the relationship if we stay in denial too long and postpone learning how to effectively communicate and repair the relationship.

Denial makes us feel safer and secure. But it’s a false sense of security. There is no safety in fooling ourselves into thinking there is no danger. Our ultimate safety and security lies in our willingness to look at the truth about ourselves and others without blinders, on so that we can most effectively deal with the issues and ultimately prevail.

There is no prevailing in denial. If we deny the handwriting on the wall, if we deny the warning signs and red flags all around us in our politics, our work, our religion and our relationships, we are simply sabotaging ourselves and setting ourselves up for failure.

If we dare to look the truth in the eyes despite how uncomfortable that may be, and if we dare to look at others and ourselves honestly, free of our biases and projections, we accelerate the process of change and growth, and we maximize our potential for happiness and success in all endeavors.

Staying Focused on Success

I was in the yard reading the newspaper. Gracie, my one year old puppy, was digging a hole. But she wasn’t just digging a hole. She had a purpose. She was on a mission. There was something buried deep under the dirt where she was digging. Some treasure was under there and she was going to find it come hell or high water.

It was incredible. Her focus on the task of digging was laser-like. She was intent, intense, totally goal-directed and undistracted by anything else going on around her. With that sort of attitude, how could she not end up getting the gold?

Here’s how: Gracie got wind of another dog walking down the street past our house. Instantly, Gracie was on red alert! Her territorial mode kicked in. Her aggression kicked in. She was letting the other dog know she meant business. Stay away from our property.

Needless to say, in the blink of an eye, Gracie’s adventure in digging was history. Instantly, she went into her primal, instinctual survival mode, giving up her mission to make an angry, territorial statement to another dog who couldn’t care less about territory, boundaries, or warning shots across the bow.

Gracie got derailed from her mission for no good reason. That dog was not a threat. Had the dog adopted an aggressive posture that would have been another story, but that’s not what happened here.

Observation #1: Gracie seemed a lot more content when she was on her mission, digging her hole. Now she’s barking, huffing and puffing, on total dog alert attending to her senses, doesn’t seem to be having fun, doesn’t seem to be content.

Observation #2: Several minutes have passed. The other dog got the message. The dog is long gone. But Gracie’s still in alert mode, little huffs and puffs peppered here and there.

Point being: long after the threat has passed, Gracie is still attending to that experience, that reality that is now history, and she has totally forgotten and abandoned her mission to dig that hole and find that deliciously buried bone.

Even when I brought her over to the hole to point out to her that her mission was still there, wonderfully waiting for her renewed participation and vigor, her mind was still in the aggressive, territorial mode. And she never did get back to digging the hole.

The analogy for people who have chosen a path, a mission, a goal of any sort: As we dig for our buried treasure, we stay focused on the goal. We stay attentive to the mission. We don’t allow ourselves to be distracted and derailed by our ego’s dramas.

If there appears to be a threat of some sort, we stop what we’re doing and we look at it. We evaluate it. We assess the data and determine if the threat is real. If so, we take appropriate action.

When the threat has passed, we do not linger. We do not keep our mind, our heart, our attention on the event that has passed. Regardless of the adrenalin still pumping, we shift our attention back to our mission, our task, our purpose, our goal.

We don’t need our radar up once the threat has passed. We don’t need to spend time ruminating over all the what-ifs we can imagine from the experience. We don’t need to talk about it, we don’t need to dwell on it at all. We need to get back to business.

If we are initially distracted by what we think might be a threat which, upon observation, clearly proves not to be, and we do not immediately return to task, but rather allow the distraction to absorb our attention and energy, we can be sure that the ego has stepped in to sabotage our success, and that it has succeeded.

We can’t let that happen. As soon as we are aware that we have been side-tracked, we get back on our path. We keep our eyes on the ball. We stay vigilant because we are certain that the ego will not stop, that it will attempt other ways to distract us, to draw us into meaningless communications and behaviors that may seem relevant and necessary to attend to but aren’t.

We stick to task. We ignore the ego’s petty distractions, resentments and aggressions. We disengage from all pointless ego battles. We want none of it.

The more fervently and single-mindedly we dig for our buried treasure, while paying appropriate attention to what is necessary for our survival, well-being, and happiness, the resistance from the world we will encounter is likely to be less,and the cooperation, support and progress we will experience is likely to be a great deal more.